Thursday, January 26, 2012


Spending a great deal of time outside what has grown to be a comfort zone, has opened my eyes to a side of myself long locked away. Music use to move me in a way that I only understood when painting. These past couple of years have been the biggest cultural desert with my passion and creativity.

After my move to LB, I began to change my likes and styles to fit "seniorito."  Clearly, I am not blaming the lug for my decisions in changing myself to fit the gay norm.  Truthfully, I am noticing that I am in a position that makes me appear to be a cookie cutter gay.

The cookie cutter gay is, a club going kid that spends any available time dancing at clubs, promoting his homosexuality to the world, and spends a majority of there time consuming alcohol.

The club scene is like a leech that sucks away your money and talent. The reason I say this is because I noticed the lack of creativity and money I was generating based on the amount of time out and about at these venues.

This leads me to the topic of gay music. I have learned that there is club music and gay music. I've managed to get my playlist to be a majority of club songs. Gay music consists of the artist being homosexual.

On a more personal note, I have been spending time with a handsome man that has brought an awareness of how I viewed music and sexuality in the past. This breath of fresh air will be known by two names. "Epik," a personal nickname that I hope remains a thought in my mind while getting to know him. The other is my personal choice based on what I know of him so far, "Cadet."

The young "Epik" was the one who pushed these thoughts in my mind recently. Why do I define myself based on my sexuality? I am a gay man, but why should I walk around with a gay flag tattooed to my forehead? Meaning why have I stopped listening to music I love and know by heart based on what gay culture deems adequate?

I've chosen to find the music I once loved and begin from there. I use to be the type of person that love meaningful lyrics over fast beats.  Alternative rock fit my love for life and the search for my true love. It incorporated itself into my being. Painting came easily and was motivated by my music.

As for being myself I noticed I am a great guy with Passion in life and  goals to meet. The fact that I'm openly gay is something I'm proud of, but, do I need to parade it around to the world? Must I enjoy spending more time with females? I've managed to learn that even the most masculine guys out there can enjoy gay sex. It's my vow to be the best man I could be regardless of the fact I happen to be gay.

One thing I have learned is, in order to be a great example of a modern gay man, I must first become my own great man. This leads me to look forward to this "Epik" adventure I'm about to Embarq on.

My love for the music that helped me flourish as a painter and man can be summed up in songs like "wonderwall." This Oasis song made me really thank "epik" for truly being that breath of fresh air. ;$

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Bridesmaid or Grooms-men?

Hurling towards the due date of my brother and his fiance's wedding I am stuck in a tough spot. To be a grooms-man or a bridesmaid?

As a gay man, I have found it easy to glide through the worlds of both the masculine and feminine.

Last time, I covered this topic in a sexual manner. How does it function in the actual social world? More interested in attending the bachloret party, I want to make sure my bro gets a kick ass bachlor party.

Questions I've arrived to are; how do I find the way to re-connect with my heterosexual side? How do I make this plan a success? And, have I gone too far into the gay world that I have lost the ability to pull off a straight man look?

Besides my desire to be seen as a gay straight man, it is more obvious, now then ever, that I am just gay.  Growing up I could not play the sports I wanted and could not be comfortable enough to be out of the closet. How can I change my norms to leave me at peace with my masculine side?

These past couple of years I have tried playing soccer with friends, tennis with close people and baseball with family. The facts are, I am physically capable of playing these sports. I am able to learn things quickly. But not until recently have I felt comfortable enough to do something about it.

I've picked up running and still dabble with other activities. Truth is, I find running to clear my mind and gives me strength to push on.

I'm starting to realize that, I am only a part of what's around me. The fact that I am gay is part of me not all of me. People love me because of all that I am.

As of now, I see myself pulling off both my rolls as a masculine guy and feminine gay. It seems the middle ground is most straight women's desire. I guess that is why I get the regular question...

"why can't you be straight?"

Jokes on you ladies, hope the guy I am talking to wants me as much as straight chicks. Till next time. I hope to answer more of my own questions, instead of just having a stream of thoughts.


Send me topics to cover. I would love to share them on my blog.